Chapter 103: Hiding The Phrase Sorry, Forever Unable to Say It Out Loud

Since Yan Yu left that place when he was eighteen, he had never been back.
His maternal grandfather had always used to say, however far he could get away, go even farther than that.
Best if he never came back at all for the rest of his life.
Yan Yu took it as gospel and never stepped foot into the city again.

The intercity bus drove steadily on the road, and from the scenery flashing past the glass windows, unbeknownst as to when, it had already become the season when rape blossoms bloomed.
In front of their eyes were golden fields upon golden fields, and with pollen blowing up from the slightest breeze, it seemed like everything was in its perfect placement from the front to the back of the houses, to the fields and the forests.

He retracted his gaze as they were soon approaching the city and underneath the surface, Yan Yu wasn’t very calm.
Xun Chuan was in his ghostly state, sitting on his lap and quietly watching the scenery flashing by.
Using a voice that only Yan Yu could hear, his tone sounded a bit off, 

“When I came here last time, it looked so empty and barren, with nothing around.”

Yan Yu didn’t say anything, with only the indiscernible movement of his hands tightening as his response. 

It took about four to five hours of travelling time to get to X City, and they were still in the early part of their trip.
He leaned back on the chair, half dreaming, half awake under the car’s shaking trembles, and dreamt of a very weird but familiar dream.

Behind him was a leather sofa, cold to the touch, and all around him was a loud mix of noises.
Almost as if someone was crying and wailing like a ghost on a mic.
He opened his eyes and a crowd of humans greeted him.
Under the rapidly changing bright lights, changing faster than an eye could see, Yan Yu realized then that he was in a private room at a bar.

He had his own consciousness, but his body movements were not under his control.
“He” reached out to grab a bottle of alcohol from the coffee table and filled up his glass, the color shining and glistening in its beautiful sheen.
His fingers were holding a cigarette as its flame flickered in and out.

A cellphone was on the coffee table, vibrating on and off for a few times before Yan Yu finally took a look at the caller ID.
He hesitated a bit before accepting the call, but his tone was extremely cold and disinterested when he spoke, 


A frosty wind seemed to be howling on the other side, coming in waves.
Xun Chuan was sniffing, perhaps from crying or just from the cold, and he took a deep breath as he desperately tried to stay calm.
He said, 

“The twenty thousand you wanted, I’ve transferred it into your account.”

Yan Yu flicked the ash off his cigarette, his handsome face looking unclear under the flickering light, 

“Not bad.
Could be the breakup fee.”

There seemed to be a loss of sound before the noise of quickened breaths came though, confirming for Yan Yu that Xun Chuan must have been crying.
He didn’t hang up and had quite the patience to wait for the other to respond.

“I’m not breaking up!” 

Xun Chuan was crying to the point where his breath couldn’t catch up.
He angrily kicked the suitcase by his feet and crouched by the train station, yelling muffledly, 

“I’m not breaking up! It’s not even that I don’t give you the money you wanted.
Even if I die, I won’t ever break up with you!”


Yan Yu hung up on the call then and threw his phone back onto the coffee table.
He knocked his head back to down a glass of wine.
Beside him was a bald man singing k1 with a tattoo of a snake on his hand.
Seeing Yan Yu down the glass, he whistled, 

“Yan-Ge really has his ways huh.
That rich young man, Xun Chuan, always has his head so high up, but is now being played to run around in circles for you.
What a pity it would be if you broke up.
To find a dog like him is so hard nowadays.”

He was laughing and his voice was full of mockery, 

“Xun Chuan’s even more pretty than the girls.
That waist, those legs, even I, as a straight guy, can get hard for him.
If you don’t want him anymore, let your brothers have a taste!”

Yan Yu didn’t say anything, only weighing out the glass in his hands.
But then he thought that it wasn’t the greatest tool to use, and switched to a new bottle that had not been opened yet. 


Someone nearby who saw this quickly and subtly pulled Dong Zi back a bit before smiling at Yan Yu as he tried to smooth out the situation, 

“Are you a toad trying to eat the meat of a swan?2 When have the both of them not fought about breaking up, and when have they really broken up? You poor and stupid shortie, even if they broke up, Xun Chuan wouldn’t bat an eye at you.
Just shut up.”

The alcohol was getting to Dong Zi’s head and he didn’t really take his words seriously, but seeing that Yan Yu’s face was a bit dark and serious, he sat back down.

Not a minute later, the phone on the coffee table rang again and Yan Yu placed it by his ear, closing his eyes and silently listening to what the other wanted to say.

Xun Chuan was freezing to the point where his voice was shivering, and his words were cutting in and out.
But he kept that last bit of self-esteem in him strong and unwavering, 

“Are you angry about that day I yelled at you, fine, I apologize, I shouldn’t have yelled at you……”

Yan Yu furrowed his eyebrows and dusted off his pants, 

“You weren’t wrong when you yelled at me.
I’m a scumbag.
They all know, but you just won’t believe it.
Next time you find a partner, remember to rub your eyes clean.”

“I just won’t believe it!”

Xun Chuan was on the brink of mentally collapsing and he was starting to be unable to hold down the choke in his throat.
As like a child who suffered a wrong, he didn’t care that he was arguing with no logic, 

“Yan Yu, I just want you.
I don’t want anyone else.
Can we live happily from now on, I won’t argue with you again, I won’t lose my temper like before, I will change……”

This was absolutely in Yan Yu’s memories, the most heart-wrenching Xun Chuan had ever cried.
No matter if he had wanted to be together before, he would always only be petulant as he tried to restore their relationship.
Never had he ever begged like this, had he ever been this willing to lay down for him to be stepped on in apology.

“Yan Yu, I’m waiting at X City for you.
Come over.
You know that I’m scared of the dark.
There’s no one here at all, and it’s dark and gloomy everywhere.
I’m afraid.
I won’t break up, and I won’t leave.
I’m waiting for you to come over.
Come over please……”

“I won’t go.
Go home by yourself.”

Everything seemed to be an exact reenactment of the script.
Yan Yu blanked out for a bit, and it was at this time, Dong Zi came swaying over while holding a glass of beer.
Whether it was on purpose or not, he splashed him all over with that glass of alcohol.

Yan Yu reflexively bounced up and threw his phone on the coffee table before patting his pants to try and get the liquid off of him.
Dong Zi apologized without any hint of sincerity, and his face looked like it was gloating, gleeful at his misery.

Yan Yu didn’t have the patience to deal with him and went to the washroom.

The phone was left on the table, and before enough time passed for it to lock itself, Dong Zi reached out to flip through the contacts.
Finding Xun Chuan’s number, he then sent over a text message.
One of the onlookers said, 

“You asshole, what kind of bad things are you doing with Yan Yu’s cell phone.
When he gets angry and goes ballistic, no one’s gonna come save you.”

Dong Zi didn’t care.
With his expression turning arrogant and extremely satisfied at what he just did, he said,

“Hey, I’m just going to see how long that idiot’s gonna wait.
They broke up anyway, and I don’t believe Yan Yu can even beat me to death over it.”

Someone muttered out, 

“It’s a snowstorm out there, and it can freeze people to death.
You really lack any sort of conscience!”

Yan Yu came back at this point and he felt a sense that something had happened in the time he was gone.
In the midst of the gazes of everyone, he grabbed his cellphone and flipped through the history.
Dong Zi was not afraid at all, as he had already deleted the message after he sent it, and he didn’t believe Yan Yu could find out about any of it.

From there on out, Yan Yu’s phone had curiously quieted down.
No more news, no more calls.
He sat on the sofa, constantly changing his position, before finally taking a look at the time.
It was already night and with a heater in the private room there was no sense of cold in here.
There were occasionally some people heading in and out, and when they did, they opened the room up to the frosty cold outside, cutting and whipping their bodies for a brief moment like a knife with the coldness.

Someone yelled out, 

“How the fuck it is so cold.
I’m not going back today.
Just gonna stay here for the night.”

Time was ticking away and each tick of the clock seemed to be rushed.
Yan Yu squeezed the phone in his hand, his strength so strong he could almost pierce his phone through his hand.
He suddenly waved the person beside him, 

“Lend me your car keys.”

The new year had just begun and those who should return home have all gone home.
In the snowy weather, there were very few cars and even fewer pedestrians.
Especially considering how it was the middle of night, the streets were practically empty.

The bus station above X City had a roof, and it could just barely block some of the snow.
A man dressed in very thin clothing was walking back and forth underneath it, as if waiting for someone.
He breathed out a breath of cold air, almost freezing up to his brain from the cold.
He grabbed an outer jacket from the luggage beside him, but that was still not enough to block that seeping cold from the night.

The stores nearby have already closed, with even the motels having closed their doors.
Xun Chuan’s hands and feet were slowly starting to become numb and frozen, but he didn’t dare leave, as he was afraid that Yan Yu wouldn’t be able to find him.
He crouched on the floor and quietly waited.
The weather was too cold, and his phone was even getting covered in layers of frost like it was about to be frozen into ice.
He used his sleeves to wipe the screen and read the text message over and over again.

>> Wait for me.
I’ll come right away.

The sender was Yan Yu.

Xun Chuan’s hands were beautiful.
Long and lean, white and with very prominent bone structure.
But at this time, it was frozen to the point that it was green and purple-ish, and also a bit red and throbbing.
He blew a breath of air at his hands to try and warm them up. 

He wanted to give Yan Yu a call, but then became afraid that he would irritate and annoy him, and so he put those thoughts to rest.

When they had been fighting before, when they had argued, Yan Yu would always say he wasn’t coming, but he had always come every time.

Yan Yu would come, that Xun Chuan believed without a doubt.

He lifted his eyes and gazed up upon the lit up residential building across from him.
Warm colored light spilled out from the windows, and he could hear laughter ringing out, interspersed with a female MC for a New Year’s show.

Xun Chuan’s eyes shone brightly, bringing on a bit of envy, but once he thought that Yan Yu was going to be here to pick him up in a bit, his envy was gone.

Six hours had somehow passed and with the snowflakes falling and without a sign of them stopping anytime soon, Xun Chuan’s hands were already beyond numb.
He sniffed and wanted to give Yan Yu a call, but his phone wouldn’t turn on, which probably meant it was out of battery.

Xun Chuan crouched in the snow, feeling like he was a dumbass.
But after a while, he stood back up and started walking around again to try and get some warmth into his body, never even realizing that behind him was a huge man covered in all black.
That man was slowly walking towards him, the knife in his hand glinting with frosty light.

Snow was falling and falling, creating layers upon layers.
One step into them and the crunching noise was sharp and clear.
When Xun Chuan heard the footsteps behind him, a set of footsteps that sounded heavy and dragging, so very unlike Yan Yu’s, an internal warning bell sounded in him.
Casually he moved away, pulling his luggage with him, wanting to leave.

The other was a tall, muscular man, and seeing Xun Chuan preparing to leave, he didn’t hide it anymore.
He took a quick glance around and seeing no one around, he quickened his footsteps and with one arm around Xun Chuan’s neck, the other poked the knife against his back.
He growled roughly, 

“Don’t move!”

Xun Chuan subconsciously wanted to attack back, but taking an internal assessment of himself and his strength, he chose to give up.
He sighed and then calmly said, 

“If you want money, I can give it to you.”

That man let out a crazed laugh, 

“This man wants money, but also a life too.”

And then started to drag him to an alleyway behind the train station.
Seeing this going sideways even more and sensing something even worse was about to happen, Xun Chuan quickly used his wrist and slammed it viciously across the man’s stomach.
Using the chance when the other loosened his grip from the surprise attack, Xun Chuan quickly tried to run away, but before he could even call for help, his back felt a numbness and then a sharp pain.
Something warm was slowly beginning to seep out from his clothes.

The robber pulled out his knife, covering Xun Chuan’s mouth as he dragged him further into the alleyway.
Xun Chuan struggled for his life, and his fingers dragged across the ground, digging deeper and deeper into the snow, until two of his nails were broken from the force.

Perhaps it was his senses going haywire, but he suddenly felt the sound of a car nearby slowing down, slowly heading closer to him.

Was it…… Yan Yu?

Xun Chuan’s eyes widened, and with strength that came from nowhere, he suddenly broke through the robber’s hold and fought against him.
At this time, a black car stopped before the train station, its headlights blindingly bright, a very noticeable beacon in the dark of the night.

The robber seemed to panic and in his haste found a brick by touch beside him and slammed it down onto Xun Chuan’s knee before stumbling to run away.

All of a sudden, something warm and sticky was slowly flowing down and Xun Chuan wiped his face.
His vision was filled with the color of red but he could see a long shadow of a man stepping out of the car.
His face looked so familiar and Xun Chuan’s eyes teared up, crying out softly, 

“Yan Yu……”

For whatever reason, he couldn’t make another sound out of his mouth.
Using only his hands, he pulled himself forward and slowly crawled out of the alley, leaving a faint trail of blood behind him as he repeated over and over only one person’s name, 

“Yan Yu……”

All around their surroundings was a deafening silence.
As his clothes brushed over the ground, it rang out “sha-sha” and Yan Yu looked around.
When he heard the strange noises from the alleyway, his feet paused, and as if he sensed something, he quickly flew over.

It was a wild mess inside the alleyway and in his frantic state, Yan Yu tripped over the rocks in the snow, and rolled over something.
In his stumble, he saw the person beside him and he quickly crawled over to embrace the other, 

“Xun Chuan?!”

He brought a slightly warm finger to caress Xun Chuan’s ice cold freezing face, but his hands were only smattered with a stickiness, bringing an ice cold smell of iron.

“Yan Yu……”

Xun Chuan’s fear and anxiety finally could have a place to be expelled.
He grabbed onto Yan Yu’s shirt tightly, crying and choking in his tears softly, 

“I just knew you were going to come…… I just knew……”

Yan Yu didn’t respond, only using his jacket to wrap him in his embrace, warming up his ice cold body.
He lowered his head to kiss Xun Chuan’s ice cold and shivering lips, tightly holding onto him, 

“Everything’s fine……”

“Everything’s fine……”

Xun Chuan hugged his neck, burrowing in his shoulders, crying in hiccups, 

“I don’t have a home anymore……Yan…..Yan Yu……Don’t……Don’t break up with me……In the future I……I will earn money to feed you……all the money…..give it all to you……”

Yan Yu’s warm fingers wiped away his tears and he kissed Xun Chuan on the eyelids.
Pausing momentarily before softly saying, 

“Ok, we won’t break up……”

Xun Chuan finally cried from happiness.
He lifted his eyes at Yan Yu, his face turning to that of a malicious ghost’s.
With his eyes blood red, he soundlessly moved his lips, his voice coming out brokenly and hoarsely, 

we won’t break up……”

A wound suddenly appeared on his throat, with fresh blood flowing out.

Yan Yu’s body shivered and he was frightened awake.
He suddenly sat up straight, with widened eyes looking around everywhere.
Then he realized that the entire bus was full of people who were asleep and in his embrace sat a transparent soul, with his eyes out on the glass window, silently watching the vast fields of rape blossom flowers passing by.

It was a dream……

Yan Yu covered his face with his hands, hiding away an expression that was uglier than if he was crying.

Xun Chuan seemed to sense something and turned his head around to look at him.

Yan Yu slowly put down his hands, and suddenly wrapped Xun Chuan into his embrace.
He lowered his head to kiss him on the lips, over and over.

The latter swung his feet back and forth, evidently very happy.


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*1 k: short for karaoke (like how we sometimes use k for okay or lol for laugh out loud).
It’s usually used in the way besides “singing k” like do you wanna go k? Or wanna go sing k? 

*2 an idiom, basically means, you’re so out of your league.
It’s to signify those who can’t see who they are/their ability and trying, and thinking that they’ll get it, on something that they could never get.
(It’s also been taken to mock men who don’t have a lot of “good” qualities trying to get a girl who has “better” qualities/conditions).
Apparently the origin came from swan meat being meat that only the elite/powerful could get their hands on and “poor” or “bottom-rung” people want yet can’t so they mock each other to say toads (who can only be on the ground vs swan flying up) want to eat swan meat. 

The later half of the dialogue where he says you poor and stupid shortie is also slang that is used like a noun (its origins came from forums).
It’s basically taking the three words for “short, poor and stupid” to signify those words.
Usually to mock men who never had girls like them, and in relationships or marriage, they are always the one to be “moved” so never taking initiative.
It’s kind of basically the opposite of the other slang that is the exact opposite “tall handsome rich”, and mostly to mock (themselves or others) how they are the “bottom-rung” of society and don’t have a good background (past, now or in the future).

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